Bill's letter
by trollet69
Summary: ...I wish your blood staying clean from all hatred and pain of this world, even if I'm never to taste you again.Best of luck. Always yours. William Compton.


I know, my English is AUFUL (even if it still better than Swedish in some of stories here :)

But it looks like all English speaking writers are completely obsessed by Erik Northman.

I'm not the one to judge why Erik is so loved, but I just cannot get why people can so easy judge Bill...

If no one here have ever in his/her life done something WRONG trying to achieve something RIGHT...if it is so, the vampire Bill must be much more human, than those who condemn him.

While, I can agree that understanding of complicated things may need some time and even some explanation. That is why being thrown out of the Sookie's house Bill finally decides to write a letter to her... I can see it going like this...

All characters belong to others... what's a pity for me :)

Dear Sookie,

I don't want to disturb you with my presence again. I have failed you and lied to you, Sookie.

But if you ever care for some explanation, here you have one.

Whenever you believe me or not, read it, please. That is all I'm asking from you.

I will never have you again. You will never forgive me, I know.

I will most probably see you again. As I've survived fighting the Queen. I have killed her, with Jessica's help and with a big portion of luck. Or unluck. I almost counted on her ending me in that fight. But now at last she is no danger for you, that I'm glad to report.

The whole my vampire existence I've been doing my best to get back to myself. To the man of honour and faith. But with my every movement I've been digging myself deeper and deeper under all lies and crimes. And there is no return for me now.

I will most probably see you again in the hands of the Viking. I know he'll get you, sooner or later, he will. He is clearly clever than me. He can count his steps, while I could not. He is choosing when and how to act towards you.

While I could not see any choice for the most of the time.

I had no choice in becoming vampire. Erik was asked if he wanted to live... I was asked if I wanted to see my family ever again. Erik got what he was promised. I did not.

Lorena showed me clear that I had no place among humans. My only option was being vampire. And I became a vampire. I was bathing in innocent blood. As long as I could.

One day I discovered that I could not continue that way. I really tried to continue, to stay on that path. It would be so much easier then... I just could not. I could not stay with that life and that woman. There was no choice.

Since that I was trying my best to find my way back. Once again there wasn't a choice.

I just had no other desires except being human again. I hated my powers and eternity was nothing but devastating for me. The eternity and nobody to share it with. Who could ever agree to such thing? One who finds pleasure in ruling, fighting, intriguing, making money – that one will probably cherish such existence. Like Erik.

What should I do if I never liked fighting and ruling? I am a family man. I was born and raised to share my life with a woman, to support her and her children, to protect them and love.

That's how I was supposed to live. That is my nature. Human nature. My becoming vampire did not change that at all. It simply added a different part, the part not that easy to handle.

My crimes in behalf of that part you'd better not even imagine.

True Blood came as a blessing for me. I was thrilled. Now I could really think of returning to my human ways, and why not even to my human home. I discovered that it was empty by then. Some other vampires were staying in the house from time to time, just as at any isolated and uninhabited place. But I needed my home for myself. I had to ask for permission. And not from the human authorities, VRA was just under discussion.

I had to turn to the Queen of the Louisiana vampires. So I did. I announced my loyalty and asked for protection.

I was surprised that she wanted to see me to discuss such a trivial matter. But it happened that she had a favour to ask. Or to order. In fact, I had no choice but submit.

And the task seemed to be rather simple. As almost all elder vampires the Queen was not even thinking to stay on True Blood. She showed me her donors. All willing, good paid and cared about. They had the best food, entertainments and clothes and whatever they want for not leaving her palace until she got tired of them. When they were glamoured to forget what they knew about vampires and left outside with some money to build the new life on. That was what she told me. That was what she wanted for a young human girl from Bon Temps, girl who worked as a waitress and who certainly could not even dream about such a luxury life she would get at the palace in exchange for some few mouthfuls of her blood.

Now you know that I'm talking about you, Sookie.

The girl should be willing, of course. And who could make her more tempted to take such a step in the deep down world than a mainstreaming vampire living right over the woods from her house. I was ordered to show you "the best side" of my world and talk you into agreement to visit the Queen. Then the Queen will do the rest of enchanting.

No forcing, no lying if we take the vampire standards.

If I did not accept the Queens orders I would have no chance to live in the house I loved. And she would simply send another for you.

It all looked so simple when I saw you first at Merlotte's. You looked so nice and you were thrilled by my presence. That I could say at once and that was a good start for my mission.

But then... Then you showed to be something completely unusual.

You saved me from drainers that night. You saved a vampire! I had not even heard of such things happening ever before. Human saving vampire. Humans do nothing like this. They hate us and fear, for the best they can use us as drugs. They can be attracted by the power and danger of course. But to care whenever we suffer or not, to protect us... I could bet that you saw me as an equal.

In fact I had not very much time for dwelling upon it, when the very next night you asked me to meet you after the work... I was rather intrigued with your courage and kindness, you open mind. I needed to figure you out. I had to get under your skin. And I got my best chance the same night.

That is also the part you will never forgive me, I know.

You will never believe me, but those few minutes with you on the ground, getting beaten by drainers were the longest minutes in my whole existence. I'm still there with you. This pain is never leaving my heart. That is how it is. But I saw no choice.

I had to give you my blood. You were special. You had to be saved from the Queen. There was no choice but to bind you. Only by blood bond was I able to trace you, to protect you, to know when you were in trouble.

I should have explained that to you... But I had no trust in your understanding me then. Used to decide by your own you would have rejected my offer. I could not take such a risk. That was there I promised myself that it would be the last time you suffer because of me, Sookie. I could not be more wrong! But I was thinking that way. Would you ever believe me?

I cannot but think about Erik standing idly when Long Shadow was killing you right in front of his eyes. What Erik was thinking that moment? He made no movement, except for reporting my crime to the Magister. Smart as he is, Erik knew that the usual penalty was 5 years in the silver chained coffin. 5 years – quite a time for the human. You would not wait for me for so long. But I've told him that you were in danger at your place by that time. You were chased by the murderer then and Erik did not care a thing as it seems. What he was thinking, I wonder.

He revealed your special powers to Russell – the vampire without any bit of humanity left.

While I was about to leave myself in Russell's bloody hands for eternity under only one option – his hands should never reach you.

I was cruel, pushing you away in front of Lorena, so that my maker would have no reason to trace you and harm you. I had been no good for you, Sookie, that was the truth. I had to leave you alone. There was no choice in my eyes even then.

And I managed to fail you again. Fighting hard to survive in that truck I almost killed you, the love of my life. There was no way back after that. You deserved someone better than me.

But I had to protect you. I had to fight for your life. Fight with Russell, with Erik, with the Queen. There was no choice but to fight.

And my battle will be over only the day one of your enemies send me to my final death.

This day will come sooner or later. There are all too many of them – greedy fangs searching for your precious blood.

There is no chance me defeating them all. There is no choice me stop fighting.

I will never have you again. You will never forgive me, I know.

I can only hope that you will understand me one day.

But in fact even that doesn't matter. I would love only you anyway. For the one who you are.

And as far as I had no intention to write you any more letters, here I tell what I mean.

You're my miracle, Sookie. And your magic is simple.

You are the only one in the world who accepted me for the one who I was.

Not the human and not the vampire. But both at once. This is me.

You could support my humanlike actions without denying my hunger for blood. I did not have to choose, to pretend, as I've done with all others before you. I was playing so long for both vampires and humans to present them the person they would like me to be.

I had no idea how tired I was of pretending until I met you, until I discovered that with you I was not supposed to play any role.

My existence turned into the life the moment you said that you loved me.

The moment I discovered I loved you I got the meaning in life.

My path is quite clear for me – to follow you at the distance you want me to keep.

To come if you call me and to wait for your call.

I have something to do with my eternity now.

In comparison to my vampire existence before you that is the happiness, Sookie.

No need to feel pity for me. And no need to poison your blood with an anger.

I wish your blood staying clean from all hatred and pain of this world, even if I'm never to taste you again.

Best of luck.

Always yours.

William Compton


End file.
